I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
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I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Perfect.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.