My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
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Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.