My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
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My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
That’s enough internet for the day