My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
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“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Love is always patient and kind.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
I’m crying im so happy for them
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions