@KDsMorning

My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better

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@bepryor

This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy

@TheHyyyype

*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*

BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry

@Xalqee

My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox

@plumbur

Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.

@notfaizzy

Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.

Cat: *meow*

@IvoryGazelle

[inventing chalk]

We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.

@NoticablyBacon

If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that

@Smooheed

I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married

@girl_a_whirl

Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked