“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
You Might Also Like
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*