My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
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Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
The real reason evolution started..😂
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
the saddest jazz hands ever
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.