My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
You Might Also Like
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
So creative 😂
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.