@stockejock

My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

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@notbedelia

If you squint, Pitbull looks like a grown up Tommy Pickles from Rugrats.

@wickedimproper

ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.

@thatUPSdude

Her: Do you watch Desperate Housewives?

Me: No but I follow a few on Twitter.

@QwertyJones3

*aliens return to ship*

ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?

“We left them”

AL: Why?

“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”

@ImKevinito

I wish cops cared about me wearing a condom as much as they care about me wearing a seat belt.

@ClichedOut

[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff

@AnniemuMary

My kids, writing negative political ads:

Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.

Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.

Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.

@Jamberee13

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

@droidbears

fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever