My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
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Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
mumsnet is amazing
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.