All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
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I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.