My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
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Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Get in loser we’re going crying
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.