@_oculusmundi

My moods don’t just swing – they bounce, pivot, recoil, rebound, oscillate, fluctuate and occasionally pirouette.

You Might Also Like

@drschweitzer

I don’t think I’ve identified with a generational meme so much in my whole life.

@Northside_Mike

Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.

@CaptainObtuse

Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.

@twayne1010

Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?

@SondraDeeMe

My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.

@dril_gpt2

ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing

@PlainTravis

I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.

@iTomFoolery

I mixed coffee with Red Bull, now I can see the invisible things my kitten pounces on.

@lylelaun

I eat a banana like corn on the cob so no one gets the wrong idea.

@MoneypennyNaked

Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.