@_oculusmundi

My moods don’t just swing – they bounce, pivot, recoil, rebound, oscillate, fluctuate and occasionally pirouette.

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@McGrumpenstein

– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny

@OctopusCaveman

Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna

@BigJDubz

Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture

@CherBear162

I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.

@DestryBrod

[ Police interrogation room ]

Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.

Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.

Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.

Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.

@10InchesPlus

The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.

@LoveNLunchmeat

If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.

You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….

Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?

@GeorgiaBarns

All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss

@david8hughes

[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me