I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
You Might Also Like
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion