My moods don’t just swing – they bounce, pivot, recoil, rebound, oscillate, fluctuate and occasionally pirouette.

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I don’t think I’ve identified with a generational meme so much in my whole life.


Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.


Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.


Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?


My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.


ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing


I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.


I mixed coffee with Red Bull, now I can see the invisible things my kitten pounces on.


I eat a banana like corn on the cob so no one gets the wrong idea.


Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.