*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
You Might Also Like
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”