My moral compass must run on solar power because it definitely goes to sleep after dark.

You Might Also Like


“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”


Someone told me that Harry Potter is supposed to take place between 1991 and 1998 which is ridiculous because not once in seven books does a single character say, “Man the Chicago Bulls are having a hell of a run huh?”.


when people leave my 15 yr old sister on read she sends them voice memos of her Screaming


*being pulled away by security from flamingo pen at the zoo with a handful of pink feathers and a black eye*


Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!


Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.


You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.


All I’m saying is if I were president I would make a law banning women from saying “We need to talk”


I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.


Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.