bicycle cop: im taking you to jail
me [sarcastic voice]: should i ride on your pegs or walk next to you
[segway cop just dying laughing]
My moral compass must run on solar power because it definitely goes to sleep after dark.
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You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
I live on the edge
Her: So sexy
I almost fell once
Her: Oh! You actually live..
My home insurance is so expensive
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital