Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
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I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
mariah carrie
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.