@astutenewf

My moral compass must run on solar power because it definitely goes to sleep after dark.

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@UncleDuke1969

“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”

@WenzlerPowers

Someone told me that Harry Potter is supposed to take place between 1991 and 1998 which is ridiculous because not once in seven books does a single character say, “Man the Chicago Bulls are having a hell of a run huh?”.

@coolgrandma98

when people leave my 15 yr old sister on read she sends them voice memos of her Screaming

@BuckyIsotope

*being pulled away by security from flamingo pen at the zoo with a handful of pink feathers and a black eye*
HE STARTED IT

@DanKCharnley

Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!

@jeffreyr77

Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.

@slyoung5

You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.

@Sean_Burgundy_

All I’m saying is if I were president I would make a law banning women from saying “We need to talk”

@FeverFlave

I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.

@TheBoydP

Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.