@astutenewf

My moral compass must run on solar power because it definitely goes to sleep after dark.

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@EJGomez

bicycle cop: im taking you to jail

me [sarcastic voice]: should i ride on your pegs or walk next to you

[segway cop just dying laughing]

@dance_blessed

I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.

@davidkenny100

I live on the edge

Her: cool

It’s scary

Her: So sexy

I almost fell once

Her: Oh! You actually live..

My home insurance is so expensive

@heatherlou_

I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.

@SteveSuckington

*Wife screams*

“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”

*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*

“It’s his house now”

@ArfMeasures

Wife: omg it’s happening

Me: what is?

*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*

Wife: the baby is coming

Me: what?!

Wife: the baby is coming right now

Me: you’re not pregnant!

*door creaks open*

Wife: run

@Lhlodder

6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.

Me: I don’t like your tone.

6: What does “tone” mean?

Me: I don’t like your voice.

6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.

@omgthatspunny

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

@droidbears

greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital