Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
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Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.