My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
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crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?
[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
So, can we agree on 4 or
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.