[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
You Might Also Like
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
But is it really??
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby