Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
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My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?