My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.

Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.

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Doctor: “Are you sexually active?”

Me: “I’m not even physically active”


[at checkout counter]

Would ya like to donate $1 to-
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
-Then no


It’s unfair that throwing rice at couples is limited to weddings only


Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118


God (inventing humans): hey someone throw a rock at the lizards i have a worse idea


You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.


Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.


Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it


[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”


Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.