@SteveKoehler22

My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.

Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.

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@nicky_prada

Doctor: “Are you sexually active?”

Me: “I’m not even physically active”

@AndyAsAdjective

[at checkout counter]

Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no

@daplusk

It’s unfair that throwing rice at couples is limited to weddings only

@LostFelicia

Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118

@Dustinkcouch

God (inventing humans): hey someone throw a rock at the lizards i have a worse idea

@Parkerlawyer

You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.

@JVarsityCaptain

Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.

@onlxn

Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it

@KeetPotato

[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”

@Book_Krazy

Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.