My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
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God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.