My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
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It do be feeling this way.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.