god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
My mother always told me “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”…and some people wonder why I’m so quiet around them.
You Might Also Like
Rock, paper, scissors?
-The proctologist removing items from me
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
For them dirty farmers.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Spiderman ruined romance for me. Please don’t even think of kissing me unless you’re hanging upside down from a building.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.