@robfee Being a DJ is tough because sometimes iTunes won’t open.
@subtleapt My mother always told me “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”…and some people wonder why I’m so quiet around them.
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@robfee 
@UnFitz I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
@VailshireCap “Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
@ericsshadow NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
@iLikeCatShirts *Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
@Reverend_Scott Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
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@shutupmay she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
@mindflakes A good business strategy is to have a donut-shaped meeting room table that rotates around you at 200 rpm as everyone struggles to cling on and you sit in the middle, laughing
@AimeeHelene1 I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
@NCSox I needed a laugh this morning.
