My mother always told me “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”…and some people wonder why I’m so quiet around them.

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Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.


Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.


Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control


[5 yr old niece watching me exercise]

Niece: why are you doing that?

Me: so I can stay strong and healthy

Niece: *observing me shake, sweat, gasp for air* that does not look healthy


Am I in the Mile High Club if I jerk off under a blanket on a plane? Just kidding, United doesn’t have blankets.

Sorry lady in seat 21B


Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…

Cut off from the world.

Stephen King & Pixar present:



A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.


Her: I’d take a bullet for you.

Me: How soon can you do that?


Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:

Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE


Driving with one hand on top of the steering wheel, because “10 and 2” is 12