Being a DJ is tough because sometimes iTunes won’t open.
My mother always told me “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”…and some people wonder why I’m so quiet around them.
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I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
A good business strategy is to have a donut-shaped meeting room table that rotates around you at 200 rpm as everyone struggles to cling on and you sit in the middle, laughing
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
I needed a laugh this morning.