@subtleapt

My mother always told me “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”…and some people wonder why I’m so quiet around them.

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@StymieBrewer

Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.

@jimmy_sharpe

Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.

@Shade510

Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control

@LittleMissAngr1

[5 yr old niece watching me exercise]

Niece: why are you doing that?

Me: so I can stay strong and healthy

Niece: *observing me shake, sweat, gasp for air* that does not look healthy

@CynicalCanuck

Am I in the Mile High Club if I jerk off under a blanket on a plane? Just kidding, United doesn’t have blankets.

Sorry lady in seat 21B

@UncleDuke1969

Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…

Cut off from the world.

Stephen King & Pixar present:

“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”

@TEXASVETERAN

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

@Crunk_Jews

Her: I’d take a bullet for you.

Me: How soon can you do that?

@PinkCamoTO

Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:

Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE

@thentherewasmo

Driving with one hand on top of the steering wheel, because “10 and 2” is 12