merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
You Might Also Like
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Good morning.