@StymieBrewer
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
@subtleapt
My mother always told me “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”…and some people wonder why I’m so quiet around them.
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@StymieBrewer
@jimmy_sharpe
Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.
@Shade510
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
@LittleMissAngr1
[5 yr old niece watching me exercise]
Niece: why are you doing that?
Me: so I can stay strong and healthy
Niece: *observing me shake, sweat, gasp for air* that does not look healthy
@CynicalCanuck
Am I in the Mile High Club if I jerk off under a blanket on a plane? Just kidding, United doesn’t have blankets.
Sorry lady in seat 21B
@UncleDuke1969
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
@TEXASVETERAN
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
@Crunk_Jews
Her: I’d take a bullet for you.
Me: How soon can you do that?
@PinkCamoTO
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
@thentherewasmo
Driving with one hand on top of the steering wheel, because “10 and 2” is 12