@subtleapt: My mother always told me "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all"...and some people wonder why I'm so quiet around them.
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@KyleMcDowell86: Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
@cepheusjackson: SON: *first word* momma. MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT? ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck* He never comes down our street.
@sonictyrant: ME (the manager): Lets get your barista name badge sorted. Do you spell Robert with a Q or a Z?
@_sinistroll: WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun ME: This couch has such great lumber support WIFE: See?? THERAPIST: Try to stop ME: Oakey dokey