Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
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Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Liquor Store Parking
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Its true…
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.