My mother arrives on Friday, so I have to do three months worth of cleaning in 48 hours. Also, lose 30 pounds and live up to my potential.

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Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.


I only watch “Game of Thrones” because I’m trying catch a background extra wearing a wristwatch.


*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.


Doc: Now don’t take these pain meds with alcohol.

Me: Aren’t you adorable.


Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase


‘sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.’

what, am i supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?


Random drunk guy: if I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put u and I together.
Me: It’s perfect the way it is with N and O together.


Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.


“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”

– Joan of Arc