There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
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boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.