@perhapssomeday

My mother arrives on Friday, so I have to do three months worth of cleaning in 48 hours. Also, lose 30 pounds and live up to my potential.

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@Orchidano

Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.

@markleggett

I only watch “Game of Thrones” because I’m trying catch a background extra wearing a wristwatch.

@TheWoodenslurpy

*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.

@thatUPSdude

Doc: Now don’t take these pain meds with alcohol.

Me: Aren’t you adorable.

@Lindsay_Bloch

Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase

@hippieswordfish

‘sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.’

what, am i supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?

@lilgapeach30

Random drunk guy: if I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put u and I together.
Me: It’s perfect the way it is with N and O together.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.

@UncleDuke1969

“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”

– Joan of Arc