@RamblingMachine

My Mother asked me to suggest names for my brother’s prospective children. I said I’ll name the girl ‘Denise’ and the boy ‘Denephew’.

You Might Also Like

@AbbieEvansXO

Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here

Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad

Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself

@knew_nic

“Are you asleep?” He risks his life by asking me.

@NicestHippo

“Great speech! Have you thought about giving it from behind a wooden box for some reason?” – podium salesman

@jctwritesstuff

I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.

@Smooheed

Huh, this is a first

Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before

They must know

@astutenewf

13: Dad, What’s detour mean?

Me: Get a dictionary and look up tampon.

@AmishPornStar1

If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…

It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: Hi hun.

Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.

@Tmoney68

Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?

Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?

F: ….