My Mother asked me to suggest names for my brother’s prospective children. I said I’ll name the girl ‘Denise’ and the boy ‘Denephew’.

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Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here

Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad

Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself


“Are you asleep?” He risks his life by asking me.


“Great speech! Have you thought about giving it from behind a wooden box for some reason?” – podium salesman


I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.


Huh, this is a first

Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before

They must know


13: Dad, What’s detour mean?

Me: Get a dictionary and look up tampon.


If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…

It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!


Her: Hi hun.

Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.


Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?

Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?

F: ….