My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
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This trial is so absurd 😭
Human are so complicated
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before