My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
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Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
I got soap in my shower beer again.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?