@HatfieldAnne

My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.

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@MommaUnfiltered

My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.

@FuckabillyRex

I cross-bred an octopus and a panda. Let me know if you’re interested in a pretty amazing hug.

@Henry_3000

My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.

@BrosConfessions

“As a student the most comforting words you’ll ever hear are ” I haven’t started either”

@MartaEffing

Why would I ruin perfectly good cup of coffee by having a date during it?

@alexlumaga

*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*

me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*

@JasonBanksComic

One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.

@Token_Geezer

I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late

@NurseMurderer

I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.

-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV