My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
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Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Worlds greatest photobomb
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.