@thecrabbyhook

My mother has now been sending me a Valentine’s card for 28 years. She’s persistent but I’m not interested.

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@SamGrittner

if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel

@liv_thatsme

We desperately need something to unite humanity. No, not love or compassion. I’m talking about a full scale alien attack.

@Sandrahadenough

I spent 20 minutes at the gym trying to untangle my headphones…I’m done..my arms are killing me!

@TheHyyyype

[about to go in for emergency surgery]

ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?

@Marlebean

Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”

Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”

@SteveSuckington

You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.

@jologz

I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”