My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
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I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
my dad has had enough