@mrnickharvey: My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
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@HughGoesThere: Cop: We need to test you for marijuana. Me: That's kashmir purple kush. Cop: Correct, you’re free to go.
@HansGrubertron: [Jurassic Park] JOHN HAMMOND: We've spared no expense! ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you've hired 5 employees to run an entire island JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
@arcadeseals: [my brain going to party] general anxiety: what if everyone ignores you? social anxiety: what if they don't?