My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
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As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
The struggle is real.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
[eats all your cotton candy]
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.