My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
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People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
My dating profile:
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?