My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
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There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
yes yes a thousand times yes!
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds