My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
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My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”