@Brianhopecomedy

My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.

SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.

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@Jamberee13

My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!

Me: oh cool what are they?

Grandma:

@3sunzzz

No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.

@JennUflect

Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.

@PorkUrPine

my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking

@sirrruh

My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.

@Joydas

Half of Americans must be thinking Gaza Strip is the name of some Strip Club which Israel wants

@noogscorner

Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.

@WheelTod

[Stick Insects Anonymous]

Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”

@weinerdog4life

What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone

@virgiltexas

You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.