My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
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No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.
Half of Americans must be thinking Gaza Strip is the name of some Strip Club which Israel wants
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.