My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
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[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly