Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
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[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house