That hot guy you see on the train every day with headphones on? Imagine….imagine if he was listening to a podcast. Not so hot now is he?
My mother in law:did you put the weight on?
Me:no…actually I’ve lost some. You should have seen me month ago. I looked like you
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Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
This guy in the elevator asked for my number so I wrote it on his arm. Apparently he meant which floor, so that was awkward.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
6 yo: Can I have your water Mommy?
– No, that’s vodka. Don’t touch it. And don’t try to dilute it with water when you’re 16 I invented that