Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
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*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*