My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
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Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
🍛
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.