Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
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Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Sneaks into your house and removes all the labels from your canned goods. Shuffles them well.
The most Russian headline ever.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.
But it was returned…
no strings attached.