@MarkAgee

My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.

You Might Also Like

@SoulYodeler

Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?

@elunatyk

Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?

Me: Eleven confirmed

JI: What?

Me: What?

@skadel68

Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”

@Angibangie

Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.

@AbbyHasIssues

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.

@ArfMeasures

WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker

SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon

@BoogTweets

Me: *being patted down* I can explain

Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening

@jdforshort

Sneaks into your house and removes all the labels from your canned goods. Shuffles them well.

@SteveKoehler22

A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.

But it was returned…
no strings attached.

Wait…what ?