@MarkAgee

My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.

My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.

- @MarkAgee

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@Barknado69

Avril Lavigne: he was a boy, she was a girl. Could I make it any more obvious?

Me: *still pretty clearly confused* please do

@michelada74

Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.

Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?

Me: Kids?

@Im_Tricia

There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”

@MarkAFuqua_Hunt

Hotel beds are often all the proof I need that Satan owns a mattress factory.

@Puncroaker

My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.

@Matty_Lombardo

Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight!

Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise?

Me: No, that’s not it. Keep thinking! We’ll figure this out.

@notbedelia

If you squint, Pitbull looks like a grown up Tommy Pickles from Rugrats.

@Parkerlawyer

Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”

Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”

Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”

@ThatBrenna

What is a magic bullet?

A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy

@iwearaonesie

wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote