My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
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Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?