@TheSharona06

My mother is displeased with me.

In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.

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@SCbchbum

Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.

@fillthevacuum

*rides off into the sunset*

*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*

*rides off into the sunset*

@ispypanda

If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.

@MooseAllain

My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.

@ItsAndyRyan

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY

@iYoungKhalifa

Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.

I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!

@ChaseMit

Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.

@AngelaEhh

My body keeps doing these muscle twitches like it wants me to get off this couch and move around.

HAHAHAHA. As if.

@GotBadTouched

People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.