Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
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[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Her: I’m running a little late.
M: how many more seconds er I mean yeah sure take your time.
Me, trying to play it cool with the babysitter
God: you hate the moon.
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”