My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
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i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
the clam before the storm
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows