My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
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[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together