My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
You Might Also Like
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Rambo Rambow
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
wtf management?!
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Last-minute gift idea!
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand