My mother said that I looked “cheap” with my bra showing underneath my clothes – so I took my bra off.

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Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.


sorry the church is on fire, did i mentioned i studied abroad


Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off

Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry


College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.


Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.


What i said : I really like this song

What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes


Barista: Latte for Waldo

Barista: Do we have a Waldo here

Barista: Where’s Waldo

Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that


If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.