[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
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I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Ferrari squats
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..