@VeggieMonger

My mother said that I looked “cheap” with my bra showing underneath my clothes – so I took my bra off.

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@daddydoubts

Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.

Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.

Them: your child is skipping a nap today.

Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!

@StephenAtHome

When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.

@Rica_Bee

Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?

5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”

@Brampersandon_

*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going

@TheTweetOfGod

I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.

@myles_morrison

The power going out for 15 minutes is enough to crush any fantasy I have about surviving a zombie apocalypse.

@katewhiteshark

*getting murdered*

wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us

@wittwitbarista

My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.

@Ygrene

[being murdered]

Mailman: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT