My mother said that I looked “cheap” with my bra showing underneath my clothes – so I took my bra off.

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Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.

Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.

Them: your child is skipping a nap today.



When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.


Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?

5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”


*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going


I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.


The power going out for 15 minutes is enough to crush any fantasy I have about surviving a zombie apocalypse.


*getting murdered*

wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us


My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.


[being murdered]

Mailman: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT