@infinitesimull

My mother should be forced to pay for my therapy and my grandma should be forced to pay for my laser hair removal.

You Might Also Like

@thedad

Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on

@theawkwardful

My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.

@dvntownsend

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.

And a Czech one too.

@theshantilly

Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.

– Dog Logic

@Dustinkcouch

me: why’d y’all put that man on the moon

nasa employee: no comments until after the tour please

me: why’d y’all put him up there

nasa employee: he asked too many questions

me: how many

nasa employee: four.

me: is that a lot

@LackOfShame

I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.

@PatsATweetin

[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS

@schumoo

Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing

@KEStorey

Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –

Me: And I must never open it?

Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up