Weighing up my bread heating options
My mother should be forced to pay for my therapy and my grandma should be forced to pay for my laser hair removal.
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Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
me: why’d y’all put that man on the moon
nasa employee: no comments until after the tour please
me: why’d y’all put him up there
nasa employee: he asked too many questions
me: how many
nasa employee: four.
me: is that a lot
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up