My mother should be forced to pay for my therapy and my grandma should be forced to pay for my laser hair removal.

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mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice

waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water

10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*


I always say thank you to Alexa so that when the machines take over they know I am nice.


Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?


Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?

Kangaroo: Oh nevermind


[first day as doctor]

ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news

PATIENT: what is it

ME: I amputated the wrong hand


That burrito didn’t agree with me.

And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”


Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*


My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.

So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.

Tik Tok.


Arrhythmia, blocked arteries, leaky valves, “Hey, I found you on Twitter” and other things that will suddenly stop your heart.