My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
You Might Also Like
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.