Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
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So sad America ranks 25th in the world in math. But at least we’re still in the top 10.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
if you want a woman to settle down with you be a cat
Devil: I want your soul!
Me: Not for sale!
Devil: Name your price.
Me: Fix all my typos.
Devil: Too much work, keep your soul.
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
“A needy board?”
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
ME: there was so much blood
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.