My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
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I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other