My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
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I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
my nickname in college
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Well well well…
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired