yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
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IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?