My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
You Might Also Like
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.